fairytales are true

in his book,  epic, john eldredge says, “for most of us, life feels like a movie we’ve arrived at forty five minutes late.” as human beings we are all trying to make sense of the story that is our life. in the film “stranger than fiction,” a man suddenly finds himself in a novel, in which he is the main character. a voice narrates his every action, even pointing out how mundane the details of his daily routine are. he begins to accept this until the story takes an abrupt turn. “little did he know…” with his only ally, a literature professor, the man struggles to make sense of the plot; he eventually resorts to keeping a notepad of tallies of positive and negative incidences, in order to determine whether he is in a comedy or a tragedy.

to an optimist life may seem like a comedy laced with sadness. to a pessimist life may seem like a tragedy tinged with occasional happiness. as for me, i choose to be a realist. every great story has both good and evil, i.e. a yin for every yang. in a comedy things have to get really bad before the great triumphant moment occurs. in a tragedy things start out really great but eventually end up going from bad to worse. despite the reality that there will always be outside influences interfering in each situation we gravitate towards fairy tales.

when I read cinderella, sleeping beauty, or snow white to my niece she dutifully recites “…and they lived happily ever after,” at the end of each story. though we’ve all asked the question, “when does the happiness kick in?” perhaps we should be asking, “what is happiness?” if we choose to define it as an absence of pain, no joy can be extracted from building a house, healing a wound, or even birthing a child. according to I john 4:18, perfect love casts out fear. therefore, happiness is the absence of fear, which can only happen when we are truly loved.

unfortunately. most people prefer fantasy to reality. in a fantasy the dreamer is in control; escaping from reality seems to make us happy because there is nothing unexpected to make us afraid. this is especially true of relationships- the hardest part is conflict. (that’s how extra-marital affairs happen.) however, conflict isn’t necessarily a bad thing. due to the high level of discomfort, conflict has a nasty reputation. few people realize that it actually promotes new ideas by canceling out extremes. just think of pieces of driftwood that have floated to shore or, better yet, river rocks. banging together smooths out the rough edges, which makes them more beautiful.

when life gets tough, how do we respond? pastor darrin says, “do trials make you bitter or better?” I peter 1:3-7 compares the hardships of life to a refinement process. in order to draw out impurities from silver or gold the refiner must melt the raw metal in a sweltering furnace. gradually the dross, i.e. extraneous stuff, floats to the top and is then skimmed off the surface. if the “perfect” relationship is loving there no fear because the other person makes you more beautiful. they are there to help you, not to harm you. pastor darrin also says that refinement not only reveals the truth about who god is, it reveals the truth about who we are. the natural human responses to life’s trials are fear, loneliness and insecurity.

 inside every human is a deep desire to be loved, i.e. accepted, cherished, to be seen as beautiful. So is it better to be merely seen as beautiful or to actually be beautiful? i once heard a story about tribesman who was rumored to have the most beautiful wife in all the land. in his culture, a man offered a girl’s father livestock as a token of affection, buying her hand in marriage. many had heard that this man paid ten cows for a plain, ordinary woman. one or two cattle were considered standard, up to four or five for a real gem. “10 cows?!” everyone laughed at his foolish decision until one day some actually visited the man. when they arrived they were awe-struck at his wife’s beauty- her hair styled, her face painted. “how did you ever acquire such an exquisite creature?” they asked. “i treated her like a ten cow wife, so she believes she is a ten cow wife.” true love makes you beautiful.

in her memoir, strange piece of paradise, terri jentz recounts a life-altering event that propelled her into a quest for answers about herself, human nature, life and the world. she and a friend were brutally and inexplicably attacked while camping. a complete stranger, for no apparent reason, chopped them with an ax, then ran over them with his truck. desperate for answers, jentz returned to the town years later. after interviewing countless prisoners, their families, their victims, their victims’ families, as well as law enforcement and  judges she learned the single most influential factor in a person’s life that leads to violent behavior. while abuse seems a likely culprit, it is only responsible for a small percentage of lives turned toward crime. the single most driving factor is: lack of boundaries. when a parent loves a child too much they cannot say no. therefore, that child grows up believing he is above the law, that the rules do not apply to him. over time he becomes an arrogant, unstoppable force. when will we stop believing the lie that friction is bad? conflict must not have such a negative connotation.

fairy tales are usually a term reserved for describing  a) a perpetually blissful situation or b) an unrealistic/elusive state. the truth is a fairytale = love = boundaries, which keep us from wandering away from who we are meant to be. anne lamott writes, “that is what happens in fairy tales: the wound or the danger guides you straight into the heart of itself, and you end up finding you.”

the best checklist of love characteristics can be found in I corinthians 13:4-7. it states, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” i once heard someone liken this passage to a performance review, such as the kind an employer would give an employee. inserting your name in the place of “love,” could these things be said of you? are you patient or resentful? do you believe the best of others?

just imagine what would happen if we all bore with each other, while having hard conversations about things that really matter? i’m inclined to think the beatles are right: all you need is love.

carrying emotional baggage is cheap

it’s amazing how emotional stress can affect my writing. i’ve really been struggling with the issue of forgiveness lately. i’ve been keeping a personal journal but can’t seem to find the motivation to blog, which used to be my favorite thing. someone i know recently developed some serious health problems. she had been a mentor to me, who claimed to want to help me with a number of trust issues i had accumulated over the years. ironically, she ended up being a lying manipulator just like all the rest.

tim keller says, “What is forgiveness? When someone has wronged you, it means they owe you; they have a debt with you. Forgiveness is to absorb the cost of the debt yourself. You pay the price yourself, and you refuse to exact the price out of the person in any way. Forgiveness means you free the person from penalty for a sin by paying the price yourself. Forgiveness is a promise to not ‘bring the matter up’ to the person, others, or even ourselves. At each point when we are tempted to exact payment, we refuse, and though it hurts, that is a payment.”

it’s hard to realize that when people hurt you, whether they will ever take  responsibility or not, whether there will ever be an reconciliation or not, they can never give you back the time, energy, identity, dignity and respect that they took from you. it’s gone. so many people i genuinely thought i’d forgiven have flooded my mind like a tidal wave, which means they were merely swept under the rug, not forgiven. true forgiveness is not warm and fuzzy- it’s excruciating, like a slow asphyxiation. my pride, my anger and my bitterness all have to die.

i have stumbled upon anne lamott’s blue shoe. (i secretly wish to have lunch with her, annie dillard and joan didion- the trifecta of vulnerable, strong women authors).  the main character, mattie, is recently divorced and has moved back into her childhood home, where she and her brother al grew up. Since her mother, isa, has moved to a retirement community Mattie and her kids have taken up residence in the old house. it brings back bittersweet memories, which are further saddened once her best friend angela moves away. one particular paragraph floored me.

“…She thanked God several times a day for what she had and trusted him for what she needed. She thanked Him for 2 healthy children, for her church, for a house with a yard. She thanked God for helping her finally get out of her marriage and for helping her more or less survive the pain of Angela’s leaving. She even thanked God for giving her such a difficult mother, because she believed that while it had been nearly life-threatening to survive Isa’s mothering, the price she and Al paid was exactly what if cost to become who they were…”

something to think about…

“I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: “I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept His claim to be God.” That is the one thing we must not say. A man who said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic — on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.”     ~ C. S. Lewis

idols for easter

At Easter, hymns, banners, signs and cards all call us to rejoice. As Tim Keller defines it, “To rejoice is to treasure a thing, to assess its value to you, to reflect on its beauty and importance until your heart rests in it and tastes the sweetness of it.” In Luke 9:18-20, Jesus asks his disciples, “Who do you say that I am?” Peter answers, “The Christ of God.” He recognizes Jesus as his king and his master. Dick Keyes expounds, “That most basic question which God poses to each human heart: has something or someone besides Jesus Christ taken title to your heart’s functional trust, preoccupation, loyalty, service, fear and delight?”

The Bible considers our alternative sources of meaning and worth idolatry. Martin Lloyd-Jones explains, “An idol is anything in my life that occupies the place that should be occupied by God alone. An idol is anything that holds such a controlling position in my life that it moves and rouses and attracts me so easily that I give my time, my attention, my energy and my money to it effortlessly.” Recently my pastor identified 4 main sources of idolatry: power, approval, comfort and control. As our church dug deeper many specific idols began to surface. For example,
Work- “Life has meaning/ I have worth if I am highly productive and getting a lot done.”
Materialism- “Life has meaning/ I have worth if I have a certain level of wealth, financial freedom, and nice possessions.”
Achievement- “Life has meaning/ I have worth if I am being recognized for my accomplishments and I am excelling in my career.”
Religion (a.k.a. legalism)- “Life has meaning/ I have worth if I am adhering to a moral code and accomplished activities.”
Suffering- “Life has meaning/ I have worth if I am hurting and in a problem. Only then do I feel noble and able to deal with guilt.”
Helping- “Life has meaning/ I have worth if people are dependent on me and need me.”
Family- “Life has meaning/ I have worth if my children or my parents are happy and happy with me.”
Dependence- “Life has meaning/ I have worth if so-and-so is there to protect me and keep me safe.”
Ideology- “Life has meaning/ I have worth if my political party or social cause is making progress and ascending in influence and power.”

In light of Easter I have to ask myself, “Is Jesus the source of my heart’s trust, preoccupation, loyalty, service, fear and delight? Do I delight in His death and resurrection? Do I treasure His saving grace, assess its value to me and reflect on its beauty and importance until my heart rests in it and tastes the sweetness of it?” To answer truthfully means admitting I hold fast to my idols, all the while claiming that Jesus is my Lord. When I audit my time, my attention, my energy and my money it becomes clear that Jesus serves as more of a figurehead for me than an actual master, king or Lord.
What do I do about this idol worship? Tim Keller points out, “We cannot change our hearts just through will power, through moral reformation, through learning Biblical principles and trying to carry them out. Ultimately, our hearts can only truly change as we use the gospel to change their basic ways of operating- to change the main things we put our heart’s greatest hopes in, the main things we find our heart’s deepest joys and glories in.” Today, as you consider Jesus’ crucifixion and resurrection, I challenge you to audit your heart. I dare you to answer the question Jesus asked his disciples, “Who do you say that I am?”

fasting- not just for lent anymore

in honor of the lenten season i am under a self-imposed dvd rental “fast.” whether you recognize the religious tradition of lent or not i would encourage you to consider giving something up for a least a month. i’ve done this before; last time i gave up tv watching for the christmas season. i was amazed by how much happier i was. not watching commercials and “things you must buy” segments on talk shows really helped me to be content and not to overspend. i’m hoping to have such a period of peace this time around.if you fast (as i’ve already explained, it doesn’t necessarily have to be food) you’ll be surprised by how addicted you are to certain things, like technology or mindless entertainment. as icing on the proverbial cake you’ll probably save a few bucks in the process. the ultimate goal is to realize how little some things really matter and how you truly can live without them. i still watch tv, just not as often. in fact, since i’ve cut out a significant amount of previously-devoted time and put it to better use. consequently, i feel more productive and so much less inclined to tune out the world around me.

i urge you to use this time as a kind of audit- access your lifestyle. where can you save time? how can your time be better spent? what unncessessary items can you live without? where can you save money? how can you slow down and rest more often? in what ways are you lazy or unproductive? what activities will help bring you closer to family and friends? lent doesn’t just have to be about abstaining from meat.

what a deal: a free ipod for some blows to the head

i have been horrified by recent pop culture news. regardless of whether you follow hollywood gossip or not, certain issues affect us all. by now most people have heard about the altercation between singer rihanna and her boyfriend, hop-hopper chris brown. initially, everyone’s comments were, “i don’t know all the details,” “i’m not really sure what happened,” or “i hope they’re both doing well.” once the details emerged, that rihanna was badly beaten, including facial contusions and bite marks on her arms, numerous celebs were asked to comment. again, the general response was, “i wish them both the best.” most of the staff at paparazzi mogul tmz, went on record as saying that violence towards women is inexcusable. one reporter even expressed her thoughts “as a black woman.”

tmz producer harvey levin repeatedly asked the question, “isn’t anyone willing to take a stand on this one?!” with only 1 or 2 exceptions, all any celeb would say when asked was, “i hope they’re both ok.” tmz then posted a photo on their website. after seeing the picture i actually thought it would change people’s attitude. instead, most responses were still the same. in fact, many news agencies actually refused to show the photo, claiming they were taking the moral high ground. entertainment tonight (or was it access hollywood?) did air a very brief segment about domestic violence, which included some rather generic statements sandwiched in between one or two sentence quotes from a handful of celebs who have experienced altercations with their significant others. for me, the final straw was when the debate turned to whether or not an ipod was a suitable apology gift for rihanna. gifts? how about some anger management classes, at least?!

is our society still living with this mindset that women are assaulted because they bring the attack upon themselves? regardless of who started the fight there was absolutely no justifiable reason for rihanna’s facial distortion. two large “goose eggs” were protruding out of her forehead, her nose and lips were swollen and there was blood around her mouth- that’s just above the neck!

one of the smartest, most poignant books i have ever read is strange piece of paradiseby terri jentz. the book is an account of her search to fill in the missing details of a violent attack she experienced on a cross country bike trip. determined to find out who chopped her and a friend with an ax and then ran over them in a truck at their campsite, jentz explores many psychological, philosophical and theological issues. throughout the process she interviewed many crime victims, their families, as well as incarcerated criminals. the conclusions she comes to are startling and complex. what shocked me most was the reason why so many men grow up to be violent and/ or abusive. while childhood abuse and other such experiences have played a part in some criminals’ behavior, think about the fact that most family members and friends tell interviewers they never saw such acts coming; they seemed so happy, so normal. the number one contributing factor to violent behavior is too much love. when parents don’t impose boundaries and limits upon their children they grow up believing the rules don’t apply to them. try telling “stop” or “don’t” to someone who’s never heard the word “no” before- it means nothing.

i won’t speculate about chris brown’s or rihanna’s childhood. however, i will say that our no-child-left-behind-so-give-everyone-a-gold-star-just-for-showing-up society has produced some out of control teenagers. moreover, our parental extremes of either neglect/ abandonment versus hovering/ pampering has bred up and coming generations to be either chauvinists or cowards. if they’re not living in their mom’s basement playing video games till their 43 guys are beating women to prove their machismo.

wake up, america! refusing to take a stand on issues of personal justice and human rights actually makes you unenlightened!  there is right- treating women with respect- and there is wrong- beating up women. haven’t we finally had enough of all this post-modern relativism nonsense?

30 rocks!

whenever i can’t think of anything to write about it’s because i’m not allowing myself to think. do you ever turn on the tv for background noise? in the car it’s the radio. sometimes i’m scared of confronting my own thoughts. lately i’ve been avoiding the fact that i just had a milestone birthday. several months before hand i tried to convince my family and friends that i was still 29. i reasoned, i look young; if i keep turning 29 years old by the time people start to figure out what’s going on too many years will have passed for them to count. they won’t know my real age.

recently i remarked to someone that i felt frustrated by my lack of accomplishment- i hadn’t achieved any of the goals i had set for myself. (i had one of those “bucket lists.”) then someone reminded me that i graduated this past year. for too long i have refused to acknowledge this as an accomplishment; it too me 11 years to get a 4 year degree! considering the fact that during said time i moved (at one point i moved four times in one month), changed jobs, changed churches and suffered intermittent health problems. despite all this i earned a bachelor of fine arts. what a feat!

this past week’s sermon was about sabbath. among other things, darrin emphasized portions of genesis where god saw what he had made and declared it good. darrin asked, “when was the last time you allowed yourself to recognize that something you made/did was good? that’s part of why we can never allow ourselves permission to take a break and rest. though my achievements up till now were not the goals i’d set for myself, that doesn’t mean i accomplished nothing. i persevered; i worked hard and finished strong.

i am 30 and it is good.

stop political cloning!

i have been surprised- disappointed is actually more accurate- by my country’s reaction to barak obama’s choice to have rev rick warren give the invocation at his inaugural ceremony. fact: obama and warren differ in their stance on certain issues, most notably gay marriage. fiction: their partnership constitutes hypocrisy. fact: diversity in any form is beneficial to society. fiction: a leader should surround himself with people who totally agree on every single issue.

in a previous post, “united we stand, divided we fall,” i noted how ali wentworth’s mother was the only democratic staff member at the white house during reagan’s administration. in fact, she was nancy reagan’s social secretary. wentworth remembers republicans, democrats and reporters alike sitting around the table; it was an exchange of ideas.

entire college-level classes business classes are devoted to the value of diversity. why? because freely exchanged ideas are essential to any team. in the 7th ed. of “management” daft cites a survey commissioned by the new york times, which found that “91% of job seekers think diversity programs make a company a better place to work. nearly all minority job seekers said they would prefer to work in a diverse workplace.” moreover, the 11th ed. of “social psychology” emphasizes how crucial diversity is to decision-making. baron, byrne and branscombe underscore the similarities between government, large corporations, military units and sports teams: “groups can pool the expertise of their members and avoid extreme decisions.” the book goes on to point out the dangers of groupthink, biased processing and restricted sharing of information as consequences of lack of diversity.

considering that the united states was founded upon the principles of equally representing the values of the population, it is not only fitting but right to represent the two main sides of the prevailing issues facing said population, especially since it’s the government’s job to embody its people’s thinking, not to dictate their thinking. in “the reason for god,” timothy keller stresses that there are 2 opposing sides and neither one is going anywhere; we must find a way to live together. though keller’s focus is more on religion, his reasoning applies to other realms of life, such as politics- particularly since both are so intertwined.

kellerwrites, “each side demands that you not only disagree with but disdain the other side as (at best) crazy or (at worst) evil… in short, the world is polarizing… we have an impasse… respectful dialogue between entrenched traditional conservative and secular liberal people is a great good… i think these younger christiansare the vanguard of some major new religious, social an political arrangements that could make the older forms of culture wars obsolete. after they wrestle with doubts and objections to christianitymany come out on the other side withan orthodox faiththat doesn’t fit the current categories of liberal democrat or conservative republican. many see both sides in the ‘culture war’ making individual freedom and personal happiness the ultimate value rather than god and the common good… the new, fast-spreading multiethnic orthodox christianity in the cities is much more concerned about the poor and social justice than republicans have been, and at the same time much more concerned about upholding classic christian moral and sexual ethics than democrats have been.”

grow up, america. it’s time for all those who consider themselves informed / enlightened / educated / open-minded to put their money where their mouth is. for the love of god, let go of your stereotypes! it’s time for some civilized, rational discussions.

identification, please

there is a song lyric by “the who” that asks, “who are you? who? who? i really wanna know.” humans are people pleasers. we need companionship, seek out commonalities and maybe even desire commendation. as independent as we may be, as self-assured as we may seem, deep down we all just to be acknowledged. there’s an episode of “seinfeld” where jerry is listening to another one of george’s neurotic rants. exasperated, jerry asks the rhetorical question, “does everyone have to like you?” to which george replies, “yes!!”

heightened states of emotion bring out people’s true selves. whether or not we’re feeling nervous, or excited, or both, our bodies experience the same physiological symptoms: adrenaline, increased heart rate, etc. this is commonly referred to as the “fight or flight” response, which is necessary for self-preservation. when flight is not an option all rational thinking goes out the window and instinct takes over. several instances when the proverbial leopard shows it’s spots are weddings, funerals, divorces, house remodeling and road trips. during periods of stress you will be surprised at how people react.

what reserves do you have to draw from when your mental/emotional “supplies” are running low? it’s easy to observe other’s behavior  and judge it in isolation; we often view their actions as something we would never do. the reality is whatever is already in our hearts will eventually be exposed when our defenses are down. though our values/ thoughts/ feelings may be different they manifest themselves in the same way.

remember when acclaimed actor mel gibson verbally assaulted a police officer during his arrest? the incident is still cited by the media whenever his name is mentioned. everyone criticized his anti-semitic remarks (and rightly so); however, many people gave his “i was drunk” explanation about as much credence as the insanity plea. ironically, many of said critics have used the “heat of the moment” argument themselves. consequently, much was made of mel’s “passion of the christ” movie, which he directed and produced. it is important to note that the only time mel appears in the film is via his hand- it’s holding the hammer that nails jesus to the cross. what a fitting picture of what the crucifixion means: grace to all. it was for people like mel and you and me that He died.

in galations 4:1-7 the apostle paul points out, “I mean that the heir, as long as he is a child, is no different from a slave, though he is the owner of everything, but he is under guardians and managers until the date set by his father. In the same way we also, when we were children, were enslaved to the elementary principles of the world. But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God.”

who are you? i really wanna know.

sometimes the devil wears splatter paintings

this past weekend i went to see “Action/Abstraction: Pollock, de Kooning, and American Art, 1940-1976″ at the st. louis art museum. for those of you unfamiliar with this period, it’s basically splatter paintings by modern artists. the exhibit was excellent, regardless of whether you’re a fan of modern art or not; the focus was on the critics and their relationship with the artists-  some loved splatter paintings and some did not. (e.g. there was a video clip of a talk show that featured a chimp painting on a canvas.)

afterward, was a discussion hosted by midrash (commentary on culture sponsored by the journey). there was some debate as to whether current events at the time had any influence on the genre and/or the styles and/or the artists themselves. while there was no significant evidence of a response to the war it had to have effected them somehow.

as people were speculating as to the meanings/ interpretations of various pieces, the movie “the devil wears prada” came to mind. it was a movie about a world-renowned magazine editor (miranda), whose opinions about fashion dictated current trends in the industry. her new assistant (andy) was eager to enter the journalism field but had no interest in style.

Miranda Priestly: [Miranda and some assistants are deciding between two similar belts for an outfit. Andy sniggers because she thinks they look exactly the same] Something funny?
Andy Sachs: No, no, nothing. Y’know, it’s just that both those belts look exactly the same to me. Y’know, I’m still learning about all this stuff.
Miranda Priestly: This… ’stuff’? Oh… ok. I see, you think this has nothing to do with you. You go to your closet and you select out, oh I don’t know, that lumpy blue sweater, for instance, because you’re trying to tell the world that you take yourself too seriously to care about what you put on your back. But what you don’t know is that that sweater is not just blue, it’s not turquoise, it’s not lapis, it’s actually cerulean. You’re also blithely unaware of the fact that in 2002, Oscar De La Renta did a collection of cerulean gowns. And then I think it was Yves St Laurent, wasn’t it, who showed cerulean military jackets? I think we need a jacket here. And then cerulean quickly showed up in the collections of 8 different designers. Then it filtered down through the department stores and then trickled on down into some tragic casual corner where you, no doubt, fished it out of some clearance bin. However, that blue represents millions of dollars and countless jobs and so it’s sort of comical how you think that you’ve made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry when, in fact, you’re wearing the sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room. From a pile of stuff.

does art imitate life or does life imitate art? yes. we cannot separate ourselves from the world around us. think about this: you can feel tension when you walk into a room. (remember the expression, “you could have cut the tension with a knife”?) there’s a certain atmosphere inherent in every venue of every subculture; a prevailing mood that effects every aspect of life. whether we’re aware of it or not we are all influenced and in turn influence.

ps- ever seen/sat on/purchased a sofa or curtains with a retro modular pattern? it likely trickled down from a modern art sculpture or painting. crazy, huh?